Fear

I've been thinking about fear a lot lately. I thought I was getting better at not letting my fears hold me back, but I've realized that I've still got a long way to go.

Tomorrow, I'm going to an oral surgeon to have three wisdom teeth removed. I couldn't have it done at the dentist office, because one of the teeth was too impacted. And why was that? Because I waited too long to go to the dentist. In addition to that, I have to get two root-canals, a crown, and additional cavities filled. Why? Not because my dental hygiene is all that bad, but because I knew I had problems...and waited to long to get them taken care of. Why? Because I was afraid.

I was afraid that things would be bad. Which is pretty ridiculous when you think about it. Of course things are going to be, the longer you wait, the worse it gets. But I let my fear control me and waited forever to get things taken care of, and now, they really are bad. A self fulfilling prophecy.

And now, as I embark on my artistic career, fear is getting me again. I thought I had mastered it when I decided to give my notice at work. See me? Aren't I brave? But now...fear is getting me again. Its time to look for work, to get some clients lined up, so when D-day comes and that steady paycheck is gone, I will already have work coming in.

But I'm having a really hard time. I'm spending a lot of time on job forums, looking at work, and yet I'm applying for hardly anything. Because I'm afraid I'm not up to the task, or I'm afraid that I won't actually get the work. Freelance job boards are a pretty completive market, some times you have 50 different designers bidding on the same job. So I don't bother.

See the problem with this? If I don't ask for any work, I won't get any. Plain and simple. So what if I only get 1 out of 10 contacts I make. I need to looking for those ten, so that I can score the one. But I have excuses aplenty. And I think its not only fear, but also pride. It sucks to get rejected.

So now, its time to just suck it up, ditch the excuses, and really start digging.